A Long Time Away

When will this end?  I’m home again, this time after three weeks in the hospital – Norwood Hospital this time.  I feel like a shell of myself.  I’ve been forced to succumb to treatments I have never seriously considered before – ECT.  When I say I feel like a shell of myself, I am serious.  The joyousness in my spirit feels sucked out of me.  All I want to do is sleep.  This is supposed to be lifting my spirits and some close to me think it has, but not me.

I agreed to this treatment as a last resort.  Nothing else was working and I still felt suicidal on most days.  Now I just feel numb.  I am hoping this is a temporary effect, not a long term result.  I don’t want to be around people and I’m dodging phone calls left and right.  Paul and I have a group we go to on Thursday evenings, but I’ve got no desire to leave the house.  Having to talk about where I’ve been and what I’ve been through is just too much to consider right now.

So what do you do when you’ve done everything?  I still feel like a shell of myself.  ECT was the cure-all treatment, except I don’t think it was…  Pray for me, my gentle readers.  Pray that I could be the “old Beth” again.  Pray that I could be productive and joyful again.  I still can’t believe that God would reject me and leave me in this state.  My faith remains despite all of the evidence to the contrary.