An Illness in Review

 I visited my primary doc this morning.  We have a longstanding relationship, so I was very curious to see what changes he saw in me since I have had my first ECT treatments.  I was astounded at his perception.  I didn’t have much to say for myself, because, frankly, words aren’t coming easily to me right now.  I managed to mutter that I did feel different, I felt angry mostly.  Rather than chastising me for those feelings, he made them encouraging.  He described them as “hot” feelings, and they actually are an improvement on the “cold, dead” feelings I’ve had for months.  He said that my mood had been so cold and dead that the next logical step would have been me taking my own life.  Got to give him points here, that’s exactly what I was planning on doing on the day he called me and convinced me to go into the hospital again. So I don’t feel quite so guilty for the anger now – I just know that I can’t live there.

 This was the next thing that he explained to me.  The ECT treatments, as horrendous as they are, bulldozed a new playing field for my mind. I have a flat, even field to build on.  Now the work begins.

 In order to get a feeling of what that work will look like, I reviewed my blog.  Tears are now dripping on my keyboard for my sister again.  Will I ever finish grieving her?  A friend of mine has just lost his mother.  I realized that as sorry as I am for his loss, I am jealous that he had a mother whom he is grieving!  Is that twisted or what?  Definitely, my work will include a lot of therapy dealing with my family’s past.  I get tripped up there quite often.

 I noticed that as my disease progressed, my posts became angrier, blaming God for what I was going through.  Right now my grip on Jesus is tenuous.  My mind is screaming the injustices I have endured over months. My heart fears that this last resort of treatment will not work and I will give in to the dark voices that whisper about how calm and gentle it would be, slipping into that goodnight.  So I am back to Christianity 101, rediscovering God’s love for me.  In fact, the ECT has placed me on a flat spiritual field as well.  Wow!

 Gentle readers, I long to rewind to the girl who posted about her wanderings in the woods!  My doctor has given me some hope in that direction again.  He didn’t try to convince me that I was “getting better,” he was actually quite frank.  I always appreciate that more.  I have much to live for, I just need to remember what.  God has placed desires in my heart and abilities in my body. I am far from old, and can take advantage of my “reset”.

 Thank you for walking with me.  I know it may seem odd, to bear my soul on the internet for all to see.  For me, this is actually more anonymous.  I can say what I need to say without having to look anyone in the eye. So what do you say?  We’re not giving up on God.  God has not given up on me.  I wear a small, silver crown to remind me… “on the darkest days, when I feel inadequate, unloved and unworthy, I remember whose daughter I am and I straighten my crown.”  Sarah, I have one for you too, I just need to mail it!!

 I am very grateful for certain people in my life. My primary doc is near the top of that list.  Aside from my husband, he is the only one who has ever come close to understanding my feelings at the worst of my illness.  It is because he cares.  No magic here, just the desire to understand.  Stay with me as I journey on.  I believe the worst is behind and God’s best is coming.  I know there will be bumps, but there is also much love.

 See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are.     1 John 3:1