Gratitude

Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. 1 Thessalonians 5:18

 This is a hard verse.  When your life is sailing along smoothly, vacations every year, healthy children obeying you in your home, this is easy.

 It has become very hard for me.  I am angry, mostly at God, and I don’t know why. A few of the men I am most grateful for, my husband and my doctor, have suggested a meditation on gratitude. Since I meditate better on paper, here I am.

 There IS much I am grateful for. Making a list seems the most reasonable way to do it, so I will.  Here is my list:

 1.      Paul – my rock.  The one who can always calm me when I am at my most agitated.

2.     Jonathan – no one makes me laugh like Jonathan.  He can make the most horrific situation seem funny to me.

3.     Peter – So sweet and gentle.  He is always checking up on me and how I am doing.

4.     Sarah – Even long distance, she is making sure I have what I need.  I don’t know what I did right to raise three children who are all so concerned with their father and I

5.     My Doctor – I prefer to leave him anonymous because I don’t know how he would feel about being named publicly.  He is always there with an answer to a weird question I might have.  He always takes my symptoms seriously, even if they are odd. He has guided me through this process to the point where I am receiving ECT treatments.  He has been there for the aftermath as well.

6.     Various church friends.  Some from our current church, many from former churches we belonged to.  They have been there where the rubber meets the road.  They have visited at the hospital, helped clean at home, brought meals, and just visited. These are hugely important.  They show love and compassion.

7.     My Doctors at the hospital – I didn’t want to put these down because they really torture me, but that torture is therapeutic, and they are kind as they administer their torture.

8.     Pastor John Lloyd – No longer my pastor, but still there for me.  He is constantly in prayer and offering sound advice for what I am going through.  Again, another person who is there as the rubber meets the road.

9.     Deb Bellevue – One of my pastors at SSCC.  I’ve given her much grief due to situations that have occurred because of my illness.  She is always kind and trying to help.  We may not see eye to eye, but I appreciate the effort that she makes.

10.My sister Susan – Always there when I need to talk to someone.  Never gives me any criticism, just a gentle guidance.  I know she has my back – always.  Not many people in the world would have your back like that.  I value her enormously!

 There are others too.  This is the short list of gratitude.  My doctor suggested I meditate on the things I am grateful for. This is how I do it best.  If I write, I must think deeply about what I am saying.

 There are people and things I am angry at and don’t understand the actions of, but I need to hand that over to God.  I’m not going to start a conversation with them about what did or didn’t happen.  Right now, gratitude is difficult enough for me.  I keep coming back to the question “why did I get this illness, and why should I be grateful for it” I’m not an idiot, I’m not just going to drink the Kool aid and see some wondrous purpose in my suffering.  So, I’ll look for the good where it is.

 Gentle reader, pray for me during this time.  I am confused and frustrated.  Often angry and struggling to see things to be grateful for. I suspect we all are at this point at some time in our life.  Let us band together and be what true Christians are!  Peace and Love to you all!!