I Will Not Fight Alone

Shout for joy, you heavens; rejoice, you earth; burst into song, you mountains! For the Lord comforts his people and will have compassion on his afflicted ones.

                                                      Isaiah 49:13

  Oh, God.  I’m down here in the valley, the mucky, muddy valley again.  It is 5:40 pm and I am still in my pajamas.  I fought my eating disorder for another week and did not lose a pound. My husband is out, and no friends have called in weeks.  I am so tired.  I am not sure why I make any effort to get better.  I always just wind up down in the sludge again, and all I get from it is exhaustion.  Why do I try?

  Sorry I am not writing coherently today.  I knew I needed to write, but it is coming from the muck today.  Disjointed and narcissistic, my soul is screaming for relief, where will it come from?  Having to think and verbalize my feelings often lead me to an answer, or at least a consideration from where I can try to make things more tolerable in my crazy mind.

Yes, I said crazy! There are times when no other word will do to explain the absolute lack of rationality in my sad, addled brain. Do you know, I have a DBT quick reference chart hanging above my computer?  Who does that?  It does, however, remind me of all the skills I have learned over the years.  The ones that help me out of this quagmire.  The ones God has taught me so that I could climb out of the slime and become stronger.

Huh…  Now I must think about it.  I try because I have a husband, I love.  I have a little dog who follows me like a shadow.  I have three grown children who delight me with everything they do. I do have friends (whom I neglect) who I also miss.  There is a beautiful world out there that often takes my breath away when I leave my self-imposed cocoon and ramble out into it.  No, I’m not done here yet.  God has things for me to do, tasks that only I can complete.  Wallowing in the sludge is not an answer for Him, so it should not be one for me either.  It just hurts so much to get up and move.  I hate fighting the demon.

   God never gives up on me. How did I know that the resolution of this post would be that God never leaves me?  This is what I conclude because it is true, and because He has propped me up when I could not find my two feet, never mind stand on them.

  I do want more friends, close ones that I can trust with all sorts of things and help with their trials and tribulations.  I am learning how to be that person and I know it will take time.  In the meantime, I cannot take the ones I have for granted. I can’t hide in my hole and ignore them. I want to lose more weight and be able to do things I did as a young woman.  This is work.  I can entreat God to make it easier, but if it is too easy, I will not value the results. My husband is a hard-working, loving man.  He is working his second job right now.  It is time for me to leave my comfy lair and help him.  I want to be better.  I want to try.

  Thanks, God for listening! I started this post completely dejected, but I finish it encouraged.  I constantly must remind myself that I am strong, through you.  I am able, through you.  I am lovable, through you.  The dark clouds have parted and the sun streams through with the promise only you can give!  I love you!