Of Struggles and Faith

I’ve been encouraged to write once again.  It’s hard, because, yes, I’ve been in the hospital – AGAIN.  This time, I’ve come out feistier than usual.  I am in a fighting mood, not wanting any nonsense, and the nonsense found me.  My most recent prescriber is retiring and I am faced with finding another.  For any of you who have never had to locate a Psychiatrist, or even a Nurse Practitioner to care for you, it is soul sucking.  Topping it off is the fact that my insurance is not accepted by most in the psychiatric profession so you have a job that begins to make you feel like there is something wrong with you.  How many doctors can reject you in a given day? 

The worst part of this endeavor is that if I find a psychiatric professional to care for me, they will most likely require me to use their therapist. Not a big deal you say?  The time and effort taken to develop a trusting relationship with a therapist is monumental.  I have one that I trust and love and would share ANYTHING with. This is the first relationship like this that I’ve had ever, yes EVER.  And I’m expected to give her up.  Not gonna happen.

So, in the shadow of this, a friend says, “you should write again, but this time, make it uplifting.” Now those of you who follow me, (all 4 of you!) know I really, really try to see the glass half full.  Even in the midst of my struggles, I try to see God working.  So this hit me hard on top of the battle to find a new doctor. But I don’t give up.

I trust God.  Period.  I don’t always remember that I trust God, but when I’m reminded I say “Oh YEAHHHH.”  It is difficult, however, to put that trust into action when you have to also travail at the impossible task in front of you. You know the answer is going to come from God, but you also have to act on your faith and put one foot in front of the other, so to speak.  One foot in front of the other with your eyes looking up.  I don’t know about you, but I am not incredibly coordinated, even spiritually.  I will trip and fall this way, but it is the only way to bump into God’s best for you. It really seems like I do just trip over God’s will for me many times.  I work.  He is faithful. 

So there you have it.  I am in battle mode, trusting that God will win the fight for me, but prepared for it nonetheless.  I don’t know how I will have the victory, but I am certain I will.  God has never been unfaithful.  He has always delivered and provided for me. I hope this is encouraging enough for my gentle readers (As Charlotte Bronte, as well as others would say).

It was not by their sword that they won the land, nor did their arm bring them victory; it was your right hand, your arm, and the light of your face, for you loved them.

                                                                                                                                              Psalm 44:3