Please Don’t Make Me Listen

What do you do when you’ve been left behind?  All of your friends are moving on spiritually, taking advanced classes that you should be in too – but have been left out of.  What do you do at gatherings where everyone is talking about how great they are doing in their ministries and studies.  You are doing nothing and feel like nothing in these conversations.

  This is how I feel on the cusp of a women’s retreat that I would normally look forward too.  I’ve stopped going to meditation and book groups for the same reason.  I can’t bear hearing about what God has given these other women to do when he’s spanking me.  I’m taking drugs to get through the day and often can’t even drive myself places.  What good am I to God?  I’m the punchline, the joke.

  Still I’m trying.  I’m seeking help from private groups at church.  I don’t want my issues public.  I’m the leper.  The one that others congratulate themselves on being able to help.  Is this really God’s purpose for me?

  For now, I’ll avoid the gatherings that used to be life-giving for me.  Unfortunately, they are crushing for me now.  I applaud the achievements of these women, but struggle with the achievements left to me – crumbs on the floor.

  Are there gatherings for less- than – overachieving women?  Retreats for the average?  Places where we can go and be excited about the fact that our kitchen got cleaned that morning.

  Why does God make women so competitive?  What is really important?  Which is more important, a retreat for widows or the fact that I have finally been able to overcome the feelings of impotence and fear when I was attacked by one I should have been able to trust with my whole being.

  In the mean time, I’ll avoid situations where the competitiveness comes out, even so gently.  My psyche is consumed with failures.  Listening to another “success” story doesn’t help me, it makes me worse.  God bless you with your work, just don’t expect me to listen to the stories now.