Sacredness of Confidentiality

A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy person keeps a secret.

                                                                                            Proverbs 11:13

 I’ve had a rough couple of days, and I really don’t feel like writing right now.  The only reason I am is to excise some of the tangled emotions from my insides. I’ve been betrayed, but I need to forgive my betrayer. Let me tell the story and you’ll understand.

 I attend groups that are helping me to learn how to corral my emotions and help me to keep my beast (mental illness) at bay.  The groups are filled with people that I would not encounter in my normal life for lots of different reasons.  We really are a motley crew.  Socially, it is difficult to know what will trigger any person there.  I hate the word “trigger”.  To me it is just more psychobabble. Let’s call it what it is.  A trigger is something that upon hearing or seeing can make a person’s feelings turn to jello.  We all try very hard to avoid such words or actions, but given our differences, sometimes it happens.  Usually, the person affected will leave the room and be consoled by a counselor.  The person who has made the faux pas will apologize profusely.  However, since we are now meeting in cyberspace, things are different.

 I happened to make such a faux pas this week.  I immediately recognized my mistake and sincerely and profusely apologized.  Not surprisingly, the affected party left the chat room.  I thought the issue was over.  Boy, was I wrong!

 The next day, I entered our virtual therapy room.  The woman who left the day before was there as well.  I had completely forgotten about the previous day, but obviously she had not.  She went into a long description of my wrongs and how they had affected her.  As she went on, the things she was saying became more accusatory.  I noticed the other people in the room consoling and cheering her on.  I was horrified!  They all seemed to know that she was talking about me!  She came right out and admitted that she had discussed the situation at length with a number of other people, some who were there in that group the day before, some who were not.

 One of the most sacred rules of group is that what we say is confidential.  It stays in the group.  If you are not in the group, you don’t know about what has happened there.  People feel safe this way.  You can trust that what you are saying in a group will not come back and bite you later.  This has been destroyed for me.

I debated whether or not to continue attending these groups.  I decided that I needed to, if for no other reason than to be able to hold my head up.  What I did wrong I had apologized for.  I have not received such an apology from the woman who chose to relieve her suffering by gossiping about me.  Counselors in the group have encouraged me to meet with this woman.  I am afraid that if I do, my words will be used against me again by her.  I have no trust left in this woman.

 Where does God come in here? He tells me that even if I cannot trust her, I must forgive her.  Matthew 6:15 says:  But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.  Pretty straightforward.  It is hard though.  I think I understand how she felt and that running to her friends was innocent.  I am sure that she didn’t even think about the fact that she was using my name.  I can see how I might do the same thing, not maliciously, but out of hurt.  I still cannot get past the breach of confidentiality and the resulting lack of trust.  I do not know if I can ever open up in a group where she is present.  My soul is aching at this conundrum.  

 A couple of days have passed since the incident.  I am even considering talking with her with a counselor present.  I am still not sure if I can do that.  What I can do, is forgive her AND forgive myself.  Forgive her for breaching that sacred bond of confidentiality. Forgive myself for not being able to trust. Hopefully, trust will again bloom and God will restore forgiveness and trust in us both.