Thanksgiving

Today, I am thankful. I am borrowing this subject from my mentor, Glenn Siepert.  You would think someone who had just spent two weeks in a mental institution would have little to be thankful about, but God has a way of turning our negatives on their head and making them positives.

 I am thankful to be alive.  Yeah, I really am.  I am thankful that in my agony at the hospital I wasn’t thinking more clearly and was unable to come up with a more coherent plan to hurt myself.  I am thankful that the nurses and mental health workers were vigilant and caught me in the middle of trying to hurt myself.

 There it is.  It is out there.  I tried desperately to kill myself.  But God in his ultimate wisdom was able to stop me.  I don’t know why, but I am still here.  I don’t know why others succeed and I was not able to, but I am thankful – NOW.  At the time I was extremely angry and disappointed.  I wanted an escape from the ups and downs and the endless pain and confusion.

 You see, this time I was attacked by a new form of my disease, mixed states.  It was like being as energized as you have ever been and as morose as you have ever been – all at the same time. 

 You don’t think, you react.

 God held onto me during this time.  I didn’t understand, but he enveloped me as the doctors tried to figure out how to treat me. At one point I heard his voice calling to me, beautiful and soothing.  I told the doctors about it and they thought I was having a psychotic episode!

 Last night I was at church.  I was surrounded by love and not one judgmental person.  It was so hard to get there, but I was so blessed for making the effort.  I couldn’t stay for the whole service, but I did business with God.  I apologized for trying to kill myself and for being so angry with Him.  How could I be angry with the one who gave me life and preserved it at the very moment I wanted to toss it away?

 So I go into next week with things to really be thankful for.  Firstly, I am thankful for the Father’s love, the Son’s sacrifice, and the Holy Spirit’s presence in my life.  Secondly, I am thankful for a family that loves me through all of my ups and downs.  Thirdly, I am thankful for my church family.  It was amazing to be in a room of people with so many who loved me and were wanting to love me, not judge.

 God bless you as you enter this week of Thankgiving too.  We all have the gift of life to be thankful for, as well as the gifts of family and friends.  I am in awe of the Father’s love for me, even at my worst.

Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his love endures forever.  I Chronicles 16:34