Who Will I Be When I Grow Up?

ECT has given me a chance at a new life, a life I can live more deliberately.  A life I will hopefully live with more passion.  The question remains, who do I want to be when I grow up?

 I look at the world around me, especially the world I have been exposed to, and the answer is simple – I want to be someone who alleviates pain. How do I do that?  That’s the next step in my journey.  I’m hoping one of the hospitals I have stayed at has a volunteer program that would include a little training.  Having been inpatient, I understand better than most what topics to stay away from and what types of things people are longing to hear about. Still, it is always better to review the dos and don’ts with a professional before volunteering in such a setting. Too many people come in thinking they know all about mental illnesses when they know nothing.  That  can be damaging, and that is the last thing I want to do.

 I want to work and be productive when I am done with my classes.  It has been a huge blessing that my school has accomodations  for students with disabilities.  It took a lot for me to admit that I do have a disability.  Because I was able to, I will finish my program and be able to get a job.  I want to go to a job each day and work my hardest at it.  I want to feel productive.

 I want to come home each day and love my family.  I want to cook and clean and generally make a pleasant environment for them to live in. Basically, all the things I haven’t been able to do with the demon on my shoulder.

 I’m learning that the things that are important in life are not the fancy trips or elaborate houses and things in them. Family is so important. The cat sitting on my keyboard right now is important.  The dog curled up at my feet is important.  These are all indications that God loves me.  Would I like to travel to Europe?  Sure thing!  Will I? Not likely.  The value of my life will not change based on that.  The value of my life is based on how I treat those around me – what I teach them.  God is far from done with me.  I may be angry with him at times, but he always helps me turn that thinking around to see from his point of view.  His point of view always involves love and care for me.

 These ECT treatments have dragged so much out of me, but they have allowed the positive to come back into me.  I am being patient with myself, and I apologize to those I have been angry with. A whole new soul is being formed through these treatments, a better soul than I started with.  Please be patient with me and my raw honesty.  I do love you all, I just need a little time to form the Beth that will do her best to change the world.