GLM

Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.

                             Colossians 3:21

My father died last night.  I feel numb.  No pain, no anger, no sadness, just numb.  At one point I considered him a positive influence in my life, but that time has passed.  He died in his late 80’s.  I’d almost forgotten he WAS alive because we had little to no contact.  Any we had was instigated by me and consisted of light conversation out of guilt and obligation.  After my mother died, I didn’t actively hide from my father anymore, but he had no place in my life either.  He gave up his rights to be a part of my family by ignoring us.

This is not easy to write about.  Not only because of the mental pain it revives, but because our familial situation was so damn COMPLEX.  What was true for one child wasn’t for the others.  There were six of us.  My mother liked to play head games.  My father only lived to make her happy, regardless of who else got hurt.  Certain kids were forgiven no matter what they did.  Seriously, NO MATTER WHAT THEY DID.  Some of us had to prove ourselves.  Even when we did have an accomplishment that our mother could bask in and show off to others, we knew we would have to continue to perform to get anything that even resembles love.  My father enabled all of this.  He would not stand up for me when my older brother molested me (he, THE favorite child).  He would never go against anything my mother said about us, frankly anything my mother said.

Throughout my young adult life, I held onto the fantasy that I had about my parents.  I was married and had small children.  Surely, they would love my family the same way they loved my oldest sister’s?  At first, they did show attention, but soon they lost interest.  I was crushed.  My husband’s parents had both passed at this point.  I knew what it was like to grow up without grandparents and I didn’t want that for my kids.  I don’t know what made me think that they would step up for me in anything.  Honestly this was the greatest gift they could have given my family, but they didn’t. In retrospect, IGNORING US was the greatest gift they gave. To this day I see their fingerprints on one of my nieces in particular. Her life is difficult because they were involved.

My mom and dad ignored us for many years.  Didn’t remember a single holiday or birthday.  They were off chasing the dream – my brothers.  You’ve got to know that both of my brothers have records for swindling people.  They took what they wanted from whomever was convenient and weak minded.  Rather than letting them face their own consequences, they bailed them out of multiple situations and then helped them build up their own “businesses” because they couldn’t do anything with a criminal record.  When I realized what was happening, why my parents weren’t present in my life AGAIN, it was a knife to the heart.  They had drifted out of our lives, but at this point I just closed the door.

Dad would make cameo appearances in my children’s lives.  Usually graduations.  I tried to maintain contact by telephone, but it really doesn’t work well when the calls are one way.  Honestly, I lost touch with him.  It didn’t really bother me one way or another because he had not been part of my adult life.  My brother-in-law tried to shame me when I did visit my dad at the nursing home.  He insinuated that I hadn’t been there for my father, but how can you be there for someone who doesn’t exist to you?

Where is God in all of this?  I know He is my Father in Heaven.  That is one of His names that is murky for me.  I don’t really understand what a father is.  I know the hole they leave behind when they are not there.  I know the pain that buries itself in your heart when they are there for another sibling at your expense.  My Father in Heaven has been there for me throughout the years of neglect and abuse.  He has been enough, but part of His plan is that we have earthly parents too.  I guess this is where things make some sense to me.  My father abdicated his role in my life.  He sacrificed me to my brother.  This is not the role God had for him.  This is why I feel the way I do today.  I know something is missing, gone, but it wasn’t ever there to begin with.  I know this sounds like a contradiction and it is.  It is also my reality.