Bethann and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

Thank you Judith Viorst

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted,

And saves those who are crushed in spirit

                                      Psalm 34:18    

It has been a week since my father has died and I keep expecting it to get incrementally better each day.  Those of you who have mourned a loved one are permitted to laugh at me at this point.  The fact that my family of origin is such an omnishambles (I looked that word up because I didn’t want to use cluster****.)  makes my feelings that much more tortuous and convoluted.

I don’t want to talk about my FOO any more.  One thing I have learned through this adventure with my family of origin is that I never win, and I get destroyed inside a little more each time I allow myself to have any kind of interaction with them.

My nuclear family, my one sister who is still very close, my husband, my sons and my daughter are more than what I ever imagined my FOO could be.  I haven’t left the house except for the memorial service in a week.  There has been no condemnation.  Dinner hasn’t been served, housecleaning tools have sat idle.  My husband has brought me dinner and well, housekeeping isn’t exactly his forte, but he did do a load of towels!

I am not alone, and I’m not even considering the obvious, God.  I have learned who loves me and who will stand by me.  That will help me so much.

In the mean time, I still don’t want to leave my self-imposed cocoon, but I know the time is coming soon when I must.  Mental pain weighs a body down so much more than physical.  I have been having thoughts and dreams that I thought I had left behind long, long ago.  My doctors tell me that it is normal and to remember to think about who else might be affected by my actions if I chose to act on my thoughts.  I have no intentions, but escape has a siren song.

Thankfully, I have support and I am not afraid to call upon it if I need to.  The years of psychological training and psychiatric medication have helped me become a much stronger person.  Becoming tuned into God and Christ once again give me the hope I have lacked in other difficult times.  I will be okay.  But right now I am just going to spend my terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day under the covers in my bed!