Blame it on Baby James

He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear the LORD and put their trust in him. 

                                    Psalm 40:3

I’ve started listening to ’70 music as I drive in the car.  Soft rock with haunting melodies and heart-wrenching lyrics.  This was what I grew up with. 

I’ve also been struggling with the entity that is my memory (hey, there’s a lyric here!).  It is so complex, bewildering, and MASSIVE.  Most of the past is gone.  What I have in the place of people, locations and visions is emotions, emotions, emotions.  In fact, emotion is all that remains of many of the circumstances and events of my life.  It is frustrating and frightening at times.  A song will play on the radio, and I will be in tears.  (James Taylor is the usual culprit) I know there are situations to go along with those sentiments, but I can’t access them.

Losing the memories in my mind was hard enough, but when our home burned down all those little mementos that you collect through the years were gone also.  I didn’t just lose a house or a home, I lost my last tangible connection to the past.  Worse yet, when memories do return, they are often hard memories – painful things.  Anything can bring one of those back.  I was speaking with friends the other day and the subject of braces came up.  Suddenly, I had a vision of my two sisters in braces, and one of them tormenting me on my crooked teeth that my parents couldn’t afford to fix.  I’m self-conscious of my teeth to this day, but I’d forgotten why.  Now along with the horrible feelings that have been stirred up after my father’s death, I’m getting more that I just don’t need.

What does this have to do with Sweet Baby James?  Well, as much as I hurt when I listen to this music sometimes, I also feel warm.  I know that only this music brought me through very difficult times as a child.  I would listen and sing and lose myself for hours.  I’m glad for that memory.  I don’t know why my memory is working the way it is right now.  A very wise man told me that my mind just might be protecting itself from the past.  I know the facts of some of that past and I think he is right.  The music brings me back to the little girl I was.  I don’t have her memories, but I can feel her innocence and touch her sweetness.  Some days that is enough to just keep me going.  I get so tired, but the music is a feather’s touch to my soul.  Rockabye Sweet Baby James.