Kickin’ Around

Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief! “

   Mark 29:4

I’m still stuck in that “place that shall not be named” but managed to do a few jobs today.  I spoke with my psychiatrist last night and as always, was calmed and settled by the end of the conversation.  He truly is a kind, intelligent person.

I wish sometimes that I could get him and my therapist to read this little blog, however.  I see them and when I’m asked that inevitable question “how are you doing?”  I typically go all “deer in the headlights” and say “fine”.  I know they see beyond that because there are more, deeper questions that follow.  My little blog has so much more in it, maybe too much more.  I can express myself and pull up all the embedded hurts and feelings like one uses a tweezer to remove a splinter from a wound.  This is how I am.

The verse above refers to my life.  First and foremost is my lack of faith that God will help me out of this pit.  I know that He can, but I question why He would.  I struggle endlessly with this.  My faith tells me one thing, my experience another.  My doctors tell me that I won’t always live here either.  Why can’t I believe them either?

I think this is all for tonight.  I am tired.  Tomorrow I will get up and decide if I should spend another day in bed or get up and live.  I desperately hope that I can overcome that disbelief.  I want to live in the sunshine again.