Impatience

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

                                                                   Romans 8:28

I am not at ease with myself tonight.  Church was inspiring this morning; I went up for prayer.  My question is, as it has been for awhile now, where is God leading me?

The fear and unease that accompany that question has left me a hermit for a few days.  I had emerged from my shell somewhat, excited about being in community again.  Today, once I returned home, I crawled back in again.  I don’t know why.  Nothing got done, none of the daily household tasks that I have engaged in more regularly than before.  I numbed my brain with inane TV shows that I was only half-watching.  Poor Roland seemed to feel my unease.  He whined and followed me around the house all day.

Sometimes just the act of going to church and serving as a greeter is monumental.  I greeted, I conversed, I listened to an enlightening sermon.  This wore me out.  I volunteered to be a greeter because it is the hardest thing I could do.  I stand and make eye contact while I smile and welcome people to our church.  If you haven’t guessed, I am a hopeless introvert.  I have, however, become more and more comfortable in this role.  That doesn’t mean, though, that I don’t have to talk myself into getting in the car and going there.  Sunday mornings are difficult, but I feel that God is getting me there and I am growing.  I’ve met many, wonderful, extroverted people as well.  It feels good to be in God’s house and be a part of something bigger than myself.  Too many years have I slipped into the church as the music starts and slip out before it is finished.  No more.

I’m so confused.  I’m sitting here in my little office, looking at all the inspirational quotes and Bible verses hung on the walls, and they aren’t talking to me tonight.  I need to be in prayer.  I’ve been avoiding that lately as well, even though God has been speaking to me clearer than He ever has.  Am I afraid?  Just like my first time as a greeter, I’m afraid that God will ask me to do something that I think I can’t do, don’t want to try to do.  It is easier to tell myself that I am seeking, without putting the prayer time in to get a clear answer.

Mentally, I am better than I have been in years.  That is due to so many things.  I am in a solid church that adamantly teaches Christ’s love.  No conditions.  It took me forever to grasp that concept.  I am loved even though I am unlovable.  I have doctors that are skilled and caring.  My PCP of over 20 years is not only my physician but has been a spiritual friend and advisor.  He has kept me from doing the unimaginable more than once.  My psychiatrist is so knowledgeable about medications and other treatments.  He is patient and kind.  He is available when I need him.  This means so much.  My therapist is the same.  She is wise and will listen to me talk about my little dog Roland all day!   I attend a day program where I learn so many ways to deal with my illness and have fellowship with others.  Mostly, my dear husband is my greatest advocate.  He is the one who will point out those verses on my walls and hold me when I just can’t do anything else.  I have other family too that will drop everything when I am in trouble.  All gifts from God. Yet with all of this support and God’s strength I am still afraid to venture out of the cocoon I went into when I first became ill.

I know that I am rambling.  I’m trying to clear the cobwebs and get pinpoints of light in my brain.  I’m impatient as well.  I’ve been doing much better for 5 or 6 months now.  I’m anxious to take my experiences and pay them forward.  My therapist says, no, not yet.  I listen to her because I recognize her wisdom.  If I were honest, I would also say that God has been giving me the same message.  His is quiet, gentler.  It is so hard for me to leave things in someone else’s hands, but holding back on God?  Probably not the wisest move.

So, I wait.  I work on getting my little house back in order.  I write these meandering blurbs.  I put my heart into the little, mundane tasks and know that more is coming.  Probably nothing earth-shaking but satisfying.  Giving back what has been given to me.  Maybe this is what I’ve been called to.  Pushing myself out of my house and interacting with people.  Talking about my experiences and listening and learning from others talking about theirs.  I often forget the greatest task I’ve been called to is to love as Christ loves me.  That is a sacred task that I will continue to perfect until I am called home.