A Broken Key

 “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

                                                                        Jeremiah 29:11

Bleh!  My mind is in turmoil!

I discovered something today.  You must understand both the good and bad in your past to have a real understanding of it and yourself. Working toward the unknown future gives hope.

We had an unusual exercise at group today.  We chose a key from a box that appealed to us, then we drew what that key would unlock for us or lock up for us.  Mine was an old key, ornate, heavy.  It looked like it had been resurfaced, covered over with something to preserve it.  I didn’t think it would work in any lock at that point, the teeth of the key were dulled and smoothed over.

Where am I going, you ask?  I’ll tell you!  I sat at my desk and looked at the paper and looked at the key, then looked at the key and looked at the paper.  I wasn’t sure what to do.  The only thing that came to me was this key had something to do with memories, an area that some of you know I have difficulty with.  I thought about the gaps in my memories of the past and the uncertainty of the events that would make my future memories.  I decided that I wouldn’t use the key at all.  Unlocking the future would color how I lived my life now.  Locking up the past would deprive me of the puzzle pieces to build my perception of myself now.  I decided to draw a table and put my key on it, unused.

Our past has a key (no pun intended!) part in making us who we are, present day.  I truly believe that even the things that I can’t remember have made an indelible mark on my soul.  I welcome my memories when they come, even the terrible ones.  This is what has made me who I am, in part.  Being able to remember them and sift them through the passage of time is how I can understand who I am and what matters to me.

Being unable to unlock the future is like unlocking Pandora’s box.  It is a paradox.  Time travel is so enticing, but dangerous.  Knowing the future makes today the past, only the past is changeable.  If I change the present after knowing the future, I change that future.  The present me is not only changed by an understanding of the past, but can change that past, creating a new version of the present me.

Will I perfect myself this way?  My essential imperfection will still exist.  If I change myself using a future that is based on the path I take now, I change who I am in the past and in that future.  Being imperfect, I may not understand this future and could change my life into something far worse because I had no understanding and no perfect insight.

Sorry, I got lost contemplating my navel again!  These reasons are why I choose to leave my useless key on my table.  The past has formed my mind and emotions to who I am now.  The endless possibilities of the future take my breath away.  They give me hope and I dream of who I might be.

I try to understand the past, I anticipate the future.  Not long ago I wasn’t able to do either of these.  My past was a dark, black cloud.  My mind wasn’t clear enough to turn events over in my mind rationally.  I didn’t see a future for myself.  I wanted to run from it and hide in eternal blackness.

Being loved, by God, by my family, by friends has slowly removed me from the sticky, black goop I had myself stuck in.  There is hope.  In time you will be able to look at the past without fear, without overwhelming pain.  Your future will be sunlit fields, not murky caves.  The world can be a wonderful place!  Not always a painless place, not always the safest of places.  Growing to understand your past and embrace the unknown of the future is staggering!  I am a person, a whole person enmeshed in the world and in wonder of all that makes me who I am and who I will become!