Just Throw Them up in the Air

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.” Prov. 3:5-6

I’m sitting here at my computer tonight because writing is definitely cathartic for me and because I need to get the events of these weeks into some kind of order so that I can look at them closely.

I have to go back to my calendar to find a chronological point of view. I can see appointments canceled and added. I remember why I did each. Sometimes someone who is very therapeutic to you is the last person you need to speak to in a crisis.

I guess that is what I’m going through, a crisis. I always thought they involved more tears and chocolate than I’ve had here lately! I’m not a fan of labels, so I’m just having a hard time adjusting to med changes right now.

It does seem that with each med change I get a little more out of control of my emotions, yet some are so numb. Can I be running over with and devoid of emotion at the same time?

I call my psychiatrist way too often, yet I want to pull every last thread of knowledge from him that I can. I told my husband tonight that I am going to do a small amount of research with Dr. Google on the meds I now take. I have an elementary knowledge of what they are, what I want to know is how and why they work. I want to sit with my Dr. at our next visit and ask him to explain WHY we are using what we are and why we maybe pass up other pharmaceutical choices. I do this with great respect. He does an amazing job with me. I just want to understand.

I was teasing him the last time I saw him and asked why we couldn’t just throw a handful of my meds in the air and just take whatever I could catch. He reminded me that the years he spent studying how these meds work and work together were long and arduous. I respect that.

The other issue I have when my stability is not at its finest is that I avoid the people and places I need to be at most. For me, this is church. I don’t know if I just get upset that God is letting me go through this AGAIN, or if I don’t want to be seen publically and pitied. I will etch His name on my heart. In this imperfect world I do not travel alone. Christ takes each step with me and knows the depths of my struggles. I love being with others that have and understand mental illness. There is a bond. Jesus, through His death on the cross, has experienced EVERYTHING we could. I just want to throw my tear-stained face in His arms and be held forever in his arms.

Not a long post tonight. I’m too tired and undergoing med changes now does not help me look deeper into the meaning of what is going on right now.

For now, I hold onto God, My all in all. I’m hanging onto my husband, and little Roland. Very importantly, I’m holding onto my favorite jammies, my comfy, bed, and my snuggly weighted blanket. May each of you be blessed with the same!