Sometimes You Just Have to Laugh

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.

  Romans 8:28

I have been at home for eleven days. Most of them with my right leg elevated in a brace. How, you ask, did I wind up in this position. More importantly, how am I dealing with it in the mental state I was in when I wrote last?

First my mental state. My psychiatrist and I had been adjusting medications for a number of weeks. Anyone with a mental illness knows that this is not a precise task. Fortunately, my doctor is one of the best. He is truly knowledgeable and kind (I know, a weird word to describe med adjustments!) in how he goes about this.

I was feeling better. Unsure, yet more solid. Getting out more often, especially with Roland. This is where the problem inserted itself into my progress.

I am not a small person. I struggle to lose weight and my therapists have been great motivators for the progress I am making these days. Part of my exertion is walking Roland. Just an aside, Roland is a 20lb terrier mix.  He a huge part of my therapy and I adore him. He is, however, a monster at times. He has all that terrier energy and personality built up in him. Walking around our block is sometimes completely unpleasant. He not only has to greet any living being we encounter, but he has to try and jump off his leash as he does it. The woods near our house are a very pleasant alternative.

We have been training lately, and foolishly, I used Roland’s training lead to walk him that day. We were not into our walk more than 5 minutes when he was completely tangled in the underbrush. I had to extricate him, but the underbrush was boggy and full of briars. I untangled him and as we were carefully moving out, I heard it. “POP” followed by incredible pain. I got us both home and I just sat for the afternoon, thinking I had just pulled something. I tried to go through my normal routine (did not make it though) for the next two days and then finally called the doctor. Mental things I call about all the time. A physical injury I would rather ignore. Man, God has an interesting sense of humor.

Anyway, it is some type of ligament strain in my knee. I have been home with it up most of the time. I do try to do some easy work and my Church friends have been incredibly kind in bringing us food, so I don’t have to cook. My daughter set that up.  She and they are a huge blessing. My husband and boys have been taking care of the house and most importantly taking Roland out for those walks that he needs SO MUCH!

You might think that my mental state would have hit rock bottom because of this. It hasn’t. I have struggled with loneliness, cabin fever, frustration with needing help, and REALLY missing my day group.

I thought about all the things I have wanted to do and never find the time to do.  I’ve watched movies, done word puzzles, read about Mushrooms, started studying a new piece of scripture, and worked on jigsaw puzzles.  I have also spent so much time talking with my daughter Sarah as she works through adjusting to a new home in a new state. I have not done anything that I thought I “should” do.

I did have had a few medication issues, though. I was afraid of taking my pain meds with one of my psych meds. I didn’t want to call my doctor because it was late, and I have REALLY been calling him constantly lately. (Mother-induced guilt taking over here). I figured “what’s missing one day of this psych med going to hurt?)  I made an incredible, horrifying discovery the next night. You CAN experience withdrawal from some psych meds after just one day! I was a mess. I prayed that God would just make this go away. I was crying and shaking. I wanted to throw up but couldn’t. I had no idea what was going on, so I gave up and called my doctor. He told me immediately what was going on and how to fix it (take your meds, dummy – He didn’t put it that way!)  My dearest Paul came home from work to sit with me as my mind and body got themselves aligned again. I have been feeling off since then. The pain med makes me feel awful even though it makes the knee feel better. I can deal with a lesser pain med without all the yucky side effects.

I talk with my doctor again tomorrow. I have written detailed notes so that I don’t forget to mention anything. Right now, anxiety is my friend again. It seems to creep in during the evening and makes me feel so unsettled. I have meds to help, and they do, but I am stubborn and do not like to take PRNs unless my head is blowing up. Something I have got to get over.  I need to pray more too.

I see this “time out” of life these last few weeks as a gift. I have been through so much in the past few months mentally. I still am struggling through some of it. This time has been quiet, gentle, and sweet. Nothing that I need to work on and the goodness of God and life to ponder. I spend my days laughing at Roland, my afternoons with Bernice on my chest, purring away, and my nights making Paul crazy because I haven’t talked to anyone all day and I want him to hear all my ideas at once!

There is nothing I can do about any of this on my own. I learned that going through my mental pain. I need my doctor and I need God. Medicine and faith. Besides that, there is nothing I can do except laugh at the whole situation. Oh, and buy a shorter lead for Roland!