Out of SErvIcE

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” ~ Isaiah 41:10

My forehead feels like it is crushing my eye sockets and my eyes are in a slow burn.  I am not a part of my body, yet I feel it jitter and tremble.  I would feel hopeless if I did not know that my next dose of medication was due.  How did I get here? How will I escape?

Let me go back a few weeks…

I am in hospital again, this time to help tame the eating disorder that has consumed me (heh) for years. I’ve done great work; I am finally ready to go home.  In my last few days, the doctor wants to change up some of my meds.  He’s checked with my usual psychiatrist, so I’m ok with it.

The first few days are fine.  I come home and start my “new normal” schedule.  No real issues changing over to being responsible for my own food again.  Less than a week home, two or three days off of the old med, I start having problems.  I can’t sleep. REALLY can’t sleep.  This is NEVER a problem for me, usually, I’m dosing off somewhere.  After a night of tossing and turning I wake up to my body feeling like it is crawling, and my stomach won’t stay where God put it.  I must have eaten something bad, I think, so I just try to plug through it.  The next day I am running, screaming through the house.  My body is doing so many things that I feel but can’t understand.  I’m like a feral animal.  If chewing off a leg would help, I would do it. 

After so many days since I’ve come home, it occurs to me that this might be medication related, not bacterially inspired.  Had I been in my usual mind I might have thought of this sooner.  I just kept telling people, “Food poisoning, be better in a day or two”.  My psychiatrist (who, God bless him, is almost always available when I am in real duress) suggests that I might be having difficulty with stopping the old medication.  He prescribes a more gradual taper dose, and we’ll get this all right very soon.  Don’t want to go into detail there, it seems like med adjustment is always a work in progress!

So, for whatever reason, It has taken me another 3-4 days to feel human again.  I’ll have to ask him about that, I found it curious that getting past this has taken this long, humph? 

Now, because I have nothing better to do with my normalizing faculties, I am here putting pen to paper (or key to board, but it doesn’t sound as elegant) I never thought I would deal with withdrawal from anything.  Now that I have, I will be vigilant about each medication I take for my illness and never play around with any that could cause a worse withdrawal (Not that I would anyway, let’s face it, I’m boring!)

I think what I really wanted to touch on here is my journey to healing from my eating disorder as well.  I do have control over my care and how and how quickly I get healed.  The hospital was the first step, The cycle of starving/binging/starving/binging has been interrupted.  I have gained more insight into what started the disorder.  I met some incredible, brave women who are literally in the fights of their lives.  I am so glad that I decided to go.  It was not easy, and the med change was excruciating, but I’m keeping the end game in sight.

I came home and know now that I can relearn how to eat.  Not easy, but I am strong.  I am stronger than I ever imagined myself before.  I will need to be because eventually, I’ll have to face the emotions and ideas that started me into my eating disorder in the first place.

Right now, we have halted the cycle.  I am learning about food and not listening to the warped messages my mind gives me about food.  I never realized they existed before.  I thought that my interactions with food were everyday.  Somewhere in my life, and probably as a process, those pure thoughts my body gave my mind about food were twisted.  What I actually need seems counterintuitive and frankly, warped!

So here I go, another battle won, another war to win.  I don’t give up because I’ve been where I was before, and the work is worth missing out on that again!

I know God stays with me throughout all of this,  a comfort in the raucousness of my brain, and I am grateful.  I will write more about that later.

Blessings to you all!!