What a Long, Strange Trip it’s Been

Thank you Rolling Stones and Harvey Ball!

I’ve felt weird today. Off. Some would say it isn’t out of the ordinary, but this is different. I rarely revisit my blog posts but felt inclined to this weekend. Wow. I did not realize that I have been through some of the things I have. It amazed me that I was able to keep a journal during a course of ECT and have it be so honest (and coherent!)

Mainly, it was weird because I relived so many events that have occurred in my life in the past 6 or so years. Moves, house fires, deaths in the family, marriages, and births. All of these are set against the background of my mental illness. At least from my perspective they are, and it’s my blog so my perspective is the only one that counts! (At nearly 60 years old I still have a hard time believing I can be such a brat!)

I see how I struggled in each situation and reached out to God and tried to make sense of everything. Why was I ill? Why were these things happening? I’m almost certain that my conclusion each time was that this life is not meant to be perfect. Perfection exists in eternity where there is no evil or sin. Doesn’t always help. It does wrap the question up with a little bow, and as my husband would tell you, the answer is what matters most to me.

I’ve noticed that my illness does not get linearly better or worse. I do a little better, I do much worse. I do much better, I get a little worse. Overall I believe that I am doing much better than when I started this little project. It isn’t ever a straight line. I’ve gotta remind myself of that. When I take a turn for the worse it always takes me by surprise and I blame myself for the downturn. Yes, I BLAME MYSELF FOR ANY SETBACKS IN MY MENTAL HEALTH. Stupid, huh? I also am responsible for the Titanic sinking and the British driving on the wrong side of the road. (said for effect, not trying to insult my British readers!) Anyway, I am better than I have been in years.

Going back over my posts, I see the people responsible for this. My husband and children. My doctors and therapists. I am blessed with spectacularly brilliant and caring professionals who are always concerned with what is best for me. Even when I’m not. I felt guilty for not listing God first on this list, but He is responsible for all of it. Each family member, doctor, therapist, and nurse that I encounter that helps me. He has guided me to each, knowing that they would help. I am magnificently blessed!!

I’ve noticed too that I have gained strength through all of this. I am a wiser, more patient, and more empathetic person. I’ve gone through each step of illness and treatment with my God. He has taught me these attributes because he has demonstrated each one to me every time I have run to him during these years. I am also a much humbler person now. There has been so much that I couldn’t control or even understand. I have put myself in God’s hands and the human hands he has put me in here on earth.

Finally, I’ve recognized what a gift my fuzzy friends are to me. My family is wonderful, kind, and attentive. I love them dearly. Monty, Moe, Roland, and Bernice are my fuzzies. They curl up with me when I’m at my worst and just “are”. Nothing in the world feels like a small (obnoxious) dog, curled up in the crook of your knees when nothing in the world is making sense and you feel like hell. I’m not alone when they are with me.

Ah, well. I need to be done for tonight. It is late and getting up early is not as easy as it once was! I’m glad I looked back. It was a mixed bag, maybe a little more good than bad… I’ve learned a little over the years. My illness is not who I am. I can use it to make a difference in the lives of others like me. I know I’ve said that before. I’m learning that making a difference is not usually a “grand gesture”, but rather the day-to-day difference that your life leaves with others. Anyway, I’m not in a hurry. I just try to be kind. Blessings to you in your own unique lives. We all have so much to gift to the world around us!