Fear and Anxiety

Isaiah 41:10

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

I was flipping through some YouTube videos the other day (yes, I know), and I came across an interview with Jinger Duggar Vuolo.  She has written a book recently about her spiritual journey.  She talked about how she has “disentangled” her faith from the authoritarianism she grew up with.  It intrigued me even more as she spoke of her childhood and her almost constant fear of God smiting her if she made even the slightest mistake. 

This is the fear that still operates at the back of my soul, the dark recesses of my mind.  While intellectually I believe that God cares for us all and will watch over us in ways we may not understand, spiritually I am still trying to work for that worthiness myself, not trusting that He will really care when push comes to shove.

When I was a child, I believed this fully.  God was like my mother and father.  They said that they loved me but didn’t protect me.  I didn’t trust them.  I lived in a lot of fear.  God loved everyone else, just like my parents did in my family, but somehow I just didn’t measure up.  If I didn’t walk the tightrope just right, I would fall into the abyss.  It didn’t help when someone was shaking the rope as I tried to cross.

So, what do I do with these fears and anxieties?  They have come to control my daily life, how I see my relationships with others, and even how I see my purpose in this world.  It didn’t even occur to me that the fear buried in my faith and the anxiety ruling over my life were entwined.  I love the term “disentangle”.  There is so much of my faith that I believe and love, but the old teachings of my youth are mixed in – a dark thread running throughout.  Because of this I doubt.  Bible verses become just words, and worse than that, are words for everyone but me.  I need to “disentangle” not just my faith-based beliefs, but even my beliefs about myself.

Right now, I am tired.  I am confused.  I am defeated.  I want so much to be of use in this life, but I can’t find my spot.  I’m impatient with my therapist, who I don’t think would understand the religious aspects of the problem.  I’ve thought about going to my pastor, whom I am afraid might not understand the secular aspects of the problem.  I read beautiful Bible verses about God’s care and love and all I can think of is how this applies to everyone but me.

I’m looking forward to reading this book.  I hope to find reason that I’ve missed in my own journey.  It is so difficult to remove the blobs of errant thinking that get dropped into our little minds as children.  I wish I had an answer as to if this will help.  I haven’t given up, though.  I think God might be cheering me on too.