Save Me

• picture by Youngsung Kim

I have struggled lately, seriously struggled. For no reason I can fathom, the depression has pressed down on me, black and ugly like molasses. I haven’t fought it much. I’ve tried to dress every day, but other than that I have just sat with myself and the warped perspective I have of myself. I think that this will last forever, that I am useless and will always disappoint people. Worse, I feel like a burden to those that I love. Every hand that has reached for me has slipped through my own, leaving me in that murkiness.

This morning our sermon in part discussed the disciple Thomas. His doubting, his search for proof where it already existed. My thoughts, however, went to his fellow disciple Peter.

Now I have a son named Peter. We named him that because of his devotion to the Lord and his strength and perseverance in declaring the Good News, even at the threat of his life. My thoughts on Peter this morning were a little different.

I watched new believers be baptized and got that same feeling of hope and joy that I usually do when I see the newfound hope and excitement on their faces. I was one of these.

You see, life continued. Satan still throws his fiery darts. I don’t know if depression is one of them, but I deal with it, sometimes minute-by-minute. That is how it has been lately. Wondering why I even exist, curling up in a dark room unable to face another human. Strangely, I don’t want to die. I want the pain to go away, but I’m still struggling to reach through the murk and join the world again.

Back to Peter. God brings scripture to mind when we most need it. Peter was so faithful but still human. He stepped out of the boat onto the surface of the water when Jesus said to, but the fear and distractions of the world overcame him and he took his eyes off of Jesus. He called out to Jesus in his fear and He put out his hand and pulled Peter from the deep.

Jesus asked Peter, why did you doubt? He had seen Jesus on the water himself, he knew how powerful He was, but his fears overcame him as soon as he looked away.

This is what I have been doing. I’ve made sad attempts at calling on Jesus, but He has still been there, holding me in my fear and despair. He reaches out His hand to me and I look up and reach for it. The Bible has been a great tool during this time, so have the skills I have learned in therapy classes (Many of which seem to coincide with my Christian beliefs). I call out for help even when I don’t think there is any help to be had. That is Jesus’ hand reaching to me. Then I ask myself why I doubt!

I love this time of year. The daffodils are blooming and the fresh spring breezes rush over my face with new life. These are the things I should focus on, part of that hand being reached down to me.

Fear is such an insidious enemy. It ties me to depression in a never ending downward cycle. Jesus is the strength that can lift me from this and help me in my future doubts.

Happy Easter to you all. I know this isn’t a typical Easter story, but it is what Jesus has put into my heart today. Peace through our Lord Jesus.