The Green Monster

My friend has a new job and is moving soon. I know that I shouldn’t be jealous, but I am. I can look at the situation logically and know that the circumstances causing her to take a new job aren’t ideal, but it doesn’t stop me from being envious.

I have looked at others idealistically all my life, thinking that their lives are so much better than mine. They have achieved more than me, are better looking, and have nicer things than me. This thinking has made me doubt myself. I look down upon myself. It is like I am driving a car, and rather than pay attention to my own driving, I am engrossed in other people’s driving. That only ends one way – an accident, or self-destruction.

Jealousy is harmful because it diverts my attention to others rather than myself. It sucks energy from the soul and makes it small and hateful. It also puts the blame for my shortcomings and failures on others and keeps me from seeing my beauty and worthiness. Positivity is life-affirming. It opens the heart and mind and lets them accept and incorporate new ideas. It allows me to move in the world being a good to myself and others.

The roots of my envy come from areas where I already feel inadequate. I worked for years to finish my bachelor’s and master’s degrees ( I was working on them concurrently). My depression kept me from doing that and now my financial situation keeps me from it. I am secure in my ability to achieve academically. That is probably the only area about myself where I feel secure. Not being able to finish my degrees eats at me. It humbles me and the foundation I stand on crumbles. My friend did not have as easy a time academically like I did. The fact that she has achieved so much more than me topples my world. I am angry about it and I try to discount her successes.

I know this isn’t right and it sends me into a vortex of self-hatred. I feel less and less. This has stopped being about anyone else and become completely about myself. How selfish…

So now I am inadequate and a bad person. What do I do? Where do I look for help? I lift up my eyes to the hills– where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth. Psalm 121:1-2 God sees me. He knows my faults and failures. He reminds me that the standard I judge myself and others by is not His standard. I am His, I was made by Him for His purpose.

God reminds me about the apostles in the early days of the Church. There was jealousy and squabbling about who was greater and who had better gifts.

Jesus corrected them:

For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you. ⁴ For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, ⁵ so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. ⁶ We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us. If your gift is prophesying, then prophesy in accordance with your^[a] faith; ⁷ if it is serving, then serve; if it is teaching, then teach; ⁸ if it is to encourage, then give encouragement; if it is giving, then give generously; if it is to lead,^[b] do it diligently; if it is to show mercy, do it cheerfully. Romans 12:3-8

I have to think about this. It is a paradigm I forget to consider. It is easier to feel sorry for myself and be hateful to others. It takes less effort than seeking my own purpose, doing what God has for ME to do.

I wish my friend well. I hope she doesn’t have many difficulties in her new path. As usual, God gives me perspective and I know I have a path of my own.