Faith vs. Religion

Sept 5, 2024

 “Here I am! I stand at the door and knock.  If anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with Me.” Revelation 3:20

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I had a very interesting and revealing meeting with one of my therapists today.  We were discussing the goals I’ve made, trying to get me to interact with the outside world more than I have been.  Specifically, we briefly talked about my goal of making it back to church in person.

there.  It was an insightful question.  I’m in a quagmire every Sunday morning when it is time to get ready to leave the house.  I get out for other things.  I go to doctor’s appointments, physical therapy, visits to my children and other things.  Some of them are more difficult than others, but the fact is that I can leave the house if I really want to. So, there’s the question…

I recently read a book by Jinger Duggar Vuolo about her own journey in faith and religion. Having grown up in a deeply religious family, there were rules and obligations she had that she never questioned.  As she grew, she realized that she needed to disentangle herself from the religion she had grown up in and bring out and emphasize the faith she had at the core. At the time I thought “Humm, that’s an interesting concept.  I don’t think I’ve ever thought of my faith that way.”  I didn’t think too deeply at the time, but tucked it away in my mind, promising to think about it later.

Well, later came this morning.  I didn’t realize that I don’t want to go to church, at least at the one I am a member of now.  It is loud, dark, and crowded, three things I despise in a room.  I love the people I have encountered here, though.  I don’t have any close relationships; I think because I am uncomfortable in the situation.  The staff are kind people who care deeply about the people they serve in our church.  They have been open to me and willing to talk or pray about any problem I bring to them.  They really are God’s people.

So, where is my problem?  Sunday morning is the exact kind of situation I usually run from.  I have tried my hardest, but I don’t find being there helping me spiritually.  I find myself thinking of finding a church consistent with my faith (as this one is), but in a more conventional, quieter setting.  My first thought is that I am being traitorous.  But then, I think about the question my therapist asked me this morning.  Am I there because I want to be, or because I think I must be?  I appreciate what I have learned and the love my husband and I have been given, but is it time to move on?

Since my first onslaught of mental illness, I have tried to find a permanent church home.  I’ve bounced around a bit, and I feel guilty about it.   I want to be somewhere where I can not only have a relationship with God and Christ but have a relationship with others who believe similarly to me.  I want to learn and grow, sharing that personal growth with others along the way.  My current church was that I thought.  Unfortunately, it really isn’t and as much as I hate it, I think I need to move on.  The people are lovely, the worship format grates on me.  I don’t want to go on Sunday morning.  I feel so disloyal saying that, but it is true.  My problem is I think I need to stay.  For some unfathomable reason, I feel like I have failed if I left these people and this church.

Now that things have settled down a bit in my mind, my soul needs some nourishment.  I’m confused as to where to go, what to do.  I know God will lead me and I shouldn’t fuss about it.  I need to follow His lead. I want to sit down with my current pastor and ask his help too.  I need to remember that this is about the growth of my faith, not about expressing religion.  That is going to be my focus.  Faith.